I'm Hen-ery the VIIII I Am

My favorite part of any impending birth is hearing what name the parents have chosen to saddle their poor child with for the rest of his or her life. There is such variety in naming and spelling, we want our kids to be as individual as possible. None of us look to Hollywood anymore since they have just gone completely nuts in this department, but it seems now that Mormon culture has created a new naming genre. There are a few rules to follow, but it is fairly simple and completely fail-safe.

First, pick a prophet, any prophet. Once you have chosen your favorite you are only allowed to use his last name, first names are not allowed, unless of course it is particularly interesting. David does not qualify, but Brigham is allowed.

Second, mix it up a little. For example, if you picked David O. McKay, change the spelling. How about MacKae. Because of the femininity of the Kae, I am thinking we are now naming a girl.

Third, add a syllable. -son or -ton are quite common with boys, but since we are naming a girl I am going to go with -na. The syllable can be added at the beginning or the end, making the possibilities endless! I now have the perfect Mormon moniker. MacKaena, not to be confused with McKenna.

By using this simple formula you will get fabulous names like Briggamson, Snoela, and even Huntorton. No one else will have children with these names, unless of course they read this and follow the secret formula, but still there are unending possibilities!

Alas, I must make a few disclaimers. While this is all fine and good in Primary, people will understand and appreciate those names, school is a different story. Teachers will be unable to pronounce or spell said names and your child will be relegated to a life of "B, like bus, R, like rabbit...." In the store when you are yelling, "LaMonsen!" people will stare and wonder what the heck you are talking about. You can take the looks, the stares, the studdering because your child has a 100% original, celestial name.

If it becomes too much for him or her, just make sure their middle name is a little easier, that way they can always go by their first initial and then their middle name, setting them on a sure path to general authoritihood.

I missed the boat on the name game. My poor children are saddled with horribly, boring names. Jack, Charlie, what a lack of imagination I had. But, I do have Henry often confused for Henery. Henry was getting haircut one day and the stylist (is that what you call them at one of those sports places with lots of TVs and a hoop on the wall) asked him his name. He said, "My name is Henry." "What? Who would name their kid that name (obviously me lady), it is so weird!" She didn't care that I was sitting there, but what do I expect when I name my kid something like Henry. I wanted to point out to her, but refrained, that it isn't that crazy of a name. I'm almost certain there were at least VIII others. I think she would have preferred McSmyth.

I'm Telling Dad about the Secret Pinch

As I was asking, then begging, then screaming at my children to do something for me today, the thought came to mind, who wrote that song? "When my mother calls me, quickly I'll obey." Obviously, the person that wrote those words never had any children and skipped straight from infancy to adulthood themselves. I have never witnessed any child quickly obey and if your children do so, please post your methods in the comments section as I could really use some parenting advice. I have found in my experience as both a child and a mother that children will quickly obey for the following 3 reasons:

1. They are sucking up and are hoping to get something from their compliance. In my house that usually entails having a friend over to play and our exchange will sound something like, "Can you do this for me?" "Oh yes mommy, I would love to do that for you. I love helping you so much, in fact I think it is my favorite thing to do." And then almost like the subliminal messages you hear when you play the Beatles records backwards, "Can I have a friend over?" It is so quick, so subversive, that my "Uh-huh" response is usually done without forethought as to what the consequences will be for answering that way. Since I have all boys there is usually mud, fighting, and some sort of bodily fluid involved in those consequences.

2. You are enforcing the secret pinch. My children are not perfect, so I rarely take them out in public because I am smarter than my mother. My mother would cart all 5 of us off to the store with her. Since she was clearly outnumbered to keep us from adding expensive sugar-filled items to the cart or from screaming things out like, "Stop beating me!" she would employ the secret pinch. You all know the secret pinch. It is a pinch so deadly that it will can make any unruly, tantrum-throwing child obey. All a mother has to do is grab the skin on your upper arm and pinch all the while steering the child in the direction she wants him or her to go and voila! instant obedience. The thing about the secret pinch is that no one else can see that you are being tortured and if you scream for help your mother can let go so quickly that everyone will just think you are a bratty child looking for attention. It is the perfect secret weapon used by all mothers, even the ones that pretend they would never do it.

3. You are screaming, crying, and threatening to tell their dad. You know you've said it, "Just WAIT 'til your dad gets home." I don't know what my husband would do if I did tattle. I would like to think it would be something grand and it would end with my children making their beds and vacuuming the stairs all while singing, "I Love Mother." But, I can't imagine that 5 hours later he would be so upset that his wrath would be worth the threat. We as moms know that it is really code for, "I have tried everything to get you to do what I am asking and since I am out of options, I AM GOING TO TELL YOUR DAD." We really must give our kids more credit, they know we are going to forget, that some much larger crisis (like what to make for dinner) will consume us long before dad really gets home.

I am calling on all Primary music choiristors to ban this song. Because when our children are standing up on the stand on Mother's Day singing wholeheartedly how they will quickly obey, we know they are lying. They cannot possibly keep this promise. Or maybe they could sing,
"When my mother calls me, first I will ignore,
then I will just scream and cry,
hit her, then scream more."